With bikini season fast approaching, I am reminded all too often that since getting married I have put on a "bit" of weight. I'll just be honest here, 20 pounds. I know people always say you will gain weight after you get married but I really did not expect to gain so much that my clothes would no longer fit!!! The weight gain happened what seemed like overnight. I knew I had been eating a lot more and hardly working out, so this was pretty much bound to happen. I still felt/feel frustrated about it though.
I am now at a stage where I am no longer gaining nor am I loosing. I have plateaued. Because of the plateaued status of my weight I have a dilemma: should I try to loose weight or should I learn to love my new fuller, but still healthy, body. Most days I actually am completely content with my body, cellulite, stretch marks (which I've had since my teens), soft belly and all. But there are other days when I just think "Man how did this happen? Will I be happier thinner?." In those moments I like to examine the articles of clothing the smaller version of my body use to fit into.
Loosing a lot of my wardrobe has probably been the hardest part of the weight gain. There are days when I decide to go to my closet just to try things on to see if they still fit (not a good idea) and when they don't I'm destroyed.
There have been many a time when my poor husband has come home to a sea of denim on the floor and a puddle of me sobbing thanks to this unhealthy little ritual. He, of course, says all the right things... But in these moments nothing he says will ever be victorious over the hateful thoughts I have been hurling at myself since the very first pair of pants I tried didn't fit.
I do not necessarily hate my body in these moments but I most definitely feel like a failure. "If only I ate better or worked out more", "Obviously I am doing something wrong", are just a few of the things I tell myself.
When I am feeling this way, my first instinct is to diet and exercise, like crazy! But once I take a step back and look at my situation I become extremely conflicted. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with working out or eating more nutritiously. But what I have found is there is something wrong with doing this out of "hating" my body and thinking I can only love a "skinnier", "more toned" version of myself. I know that if this type of thinking is not abandoned, it will never matter how much weight is lost or muscle is built, I will never be happy with my body.
I need to be able to love my body the way it is right now, today. I need to live a lifestyle that is conducive to doing that. Upon much thought I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to do this is by being at a weight that is easily maintainable as well as healthy (both physically and emotionally). This means I will probably never plan to make any drastic changes to loose weight (crazy diets/extreme workouts) but I will make changes to enable myself to become a healthier person.
Some of these changes include better eating habits, adding a bit more physical activity to my life, but really the majority of the changes I need to make are mental. I have got to stop beating myself up for gaining weight. I am not unhealthy and there is nothing wrong with gaining a little weight! I should probably get rid of the clothes that no longer fit... This will be a hard one but I'm sure extremely therapeutic. It will make a huge difference to know that everything in my closet actually fits. Plus I will need to buy new clothes! I do love an excuse to go shopping ;). I also need to be praying about this. God created me and loves me the way I am. I could use a little more insight on how he sees me and a little less insight on how I see myself or how I think the world sees me.
With some of these changes may come weight loss and if that happens, then great! If not I want to be able to be okay with that. Like I said my goal is to be content with my body no matter what. This will be a process for me, maybe for the rest of my life because my body will be constantly changing with age. As these changes come I want to not only be able to accept them but embrace them.
I am now at a stage where I am no longer gaining nor am I loosing. I have plateaued. Because of the plateaued status of my weight I have a dilemma: should I try to loose weight or should I learn to love my new fuller, but still healthy, body. Most days I actually am completely content with my body, cellulite, stretch marks (which I've had since my teens), soft belly and all. But there are other days when I just think "Man how did this happen? Will I be happier thinner?." In those moments I like to examine the articles of clothing the smaller version of my body use to fit into.
Loosing a lot of my wardrobe has probably been the hardest part of the weight gain. There are days when I decide to go to my closet just to try things on to see if they still fit (not a good idea) and when they don't I'm destroyed.
There have been many a time when my poor husband has come home to a sea of denim on the floor and a puddle of me sobbing thanks to this unhealthy little ritual. He, of course, says all the right things... But in these moments nothing he says will ever be victorious over the hateful thoughts I have been hurling at myself since the very first pair of pants I tried didn't fit.
I do not necessarily hate my body in these moments but I most definitely feel like a failure. "If only I ate better or worked out more", "Obviously I am doing something wrong", are just a few of the things I tell myself.
When I am feeling this way, my first instinct is to diet and exercise, like crazy! But once I take a step back and look at my situation I become extremely conflicted. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with working out or eating more nutritiously. But what I have found is there is something wrong with doing this out of "hating" my body and thinking I can only love a "skinnier", "more toned" version of myself. I know that if this type of thinking is not abandoned, it will never matter how much weight is lost or muscle is built, I will never be happy with my body.
I need to be able to love my body the way it is right now, today. I need to live a lifestyle that is conducive to doing that. Upon much thought I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to do this is by being at a weight that is easily maintainable as well as healthy (both physically and emotionally). This means I will probably never plan to make any drastic changes to loose weight (crazy diets/extreme workouts) but I will make changes to enable myself to become a healthier person.
Some of these changes include better eating habits, adding a bit more physical activity to my life, but really the majority of the changes I need to make are mental. I have got to stop beating myself up for gaining weight. I am not unhealthy and there is nothing wrong with gaining a little weight! I should probably get rid of the clothes that no longer fit... This will be a hard one but I'm sure extremely therapeutic. It will make a huge difference to know that everything in my closet actually fits. Plus I will need to buy new clothes! I do love an excuse to go shopping ;). I also need to be praying about this. God created me and loves me the way I am. I could use a little more insight on how he sees me and a little less insight on how I see myself or how I think the world sees me.
With some of these changes may come weight loss and if that happens, then great! If not I want to be able to be okay with that. Like I said my goal is to be content with my body no matter what. This will be a process for me, maybe for the rest of my life because my body will be constantly changing with age. As these changes come I want to not only be able to accept them but embrace them.
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